While Searching for a Relationship, I Almost Lost Myself

Never again...

Hi there,

It’s been a while, right? Yes, I know.

So many things going on in my life, somehow it’s the writing (and the thought process behind it) that got ignored. Also, it was summer, and I got lazy from the heat. You know the summer in Spain can get really hot with hot days and hot nights. No complaints, because I love it but without a doubt, it is tiring. Then I went on a sailing course and fell in love with the sea even more, if that has been even possible. There has been some news about my daughters as well, our family is a tiny bit complicated. I am not yet ready to write about it, but at some point I will get to it.

Now that we’re almost back to school and back to normal, I made myself a promise to get back to writing more regularly - so if you missed me, I’ll be around more.

I would like to figure out what to do about the writing, what topics and what frequency could I commit to. There are some topics I don’t write about anymore (eg.: I completely abandoned the topic of my abusive relationship, for I don’t want to keep looking back and it’s better for my mental health) and there are new formats I would like to experiment with (short stories) on top of writing regularly essays and articles.

I am not sure about the newsletter either, but there are hundreds of subscribers and I would really like to honour your attention by providing value of some kind. (If any of you have suggestions, ideas, or topics that you would love to read about or formats that you’d suggest, I’d be grateful to hear from you - replying to this email would be perfect! Thanks!)

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But back to the topic of this email… I wrote some musings about how I have changed in the past years, and how I feel different about being single after years and years of thinking it was an uphill battle.

There are people who are really great at being single. They shine, they thrive, they find themselves and they improve further. They feel comfortable with their own company, without the burning need to share it with that one significant other. They usually have a big circle of friends, and amazing social life and they have the tools to cope with the occasional mental health challenges they face.

I envy them… because this is not me. Or at least I told myself that this wasn’t me. If you keep telling yourself long enough how miserable you are, you will feel miserable. If you repeat to yourself and to everyone who listens that you hate being single, then you will feel compelled to hate every minute of it — even those times when you feel good and happy. If you want to, you can convince yourself that singlehood is not for you, and in the process, you will make it impossible to appreciate it for yourself.

We are extremely powerful — I strongly believe that. Not in a superhero way, but in the sense that with our thoughts, feelings and beliefs we are creating our own reality. We can make ourselves miserable in average circumstances and we can make ourselves happy in even the most desperate situations. We can get stuck in unpleasant feelings and memories just by replaying them incessantly. Or we can keep really good vibes just by focusing on the little, pleasant things around us.

I spent the past years so desperately searching for a relationship, that I lost myself in the process. I lost sight of things that make me happy — convincing myself that the only way I can be happy is by being in a relationship.

I always wanted to be in a relationship. There was literally no time in my life — ever since I was a teenager — when I wasn’t longing to be with someone, to belong with someone. I have never wanted to be on my own to accomplish something, to have time for myself, to travel alone — never.

I have glorified being in a relationship. I would have always chosen it over being single, even if it meant not having enough time for myself or having problems that I wouldn’t have being single. I bought into the doctrine that society teaches us — especially women — that your life is only complete if you are in a relationship, preferably a committed heterosexual one with no room for anything else. I bought that a relationship is inherently better than being alone, and that being single means that you have a condition that you have to fix — the sooner the better.

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My main hub is still on Medium, that’s why I’d really appreciate it if you continue reading this there and if you can show your appreciation by clapping 50 times, even better. Or… buy me a virtual coffee?

Thank you for still being there.

I really appreciate you!

Zita